Self-Esteem

Being Worthless: Inside One Nerd’s Head

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Being worthless: Inside One Nerd's Head.

Who hasn’t felt worthless in their life? It’s no secret that I deal with anxiety and depression. That’s pretty much the basis of my entire blog. Since starting this blog last May, I’ve tried several times to find ways to drive traffic or boost posts. Most of the other bloggers I knew were a “Lifestyle” blogger and would talk about clothes and things like that. As I sat down to try to plan out a few post for the next month, I literally stared at my computer for over an hour. How on earth was I going to write about cutesy clothes and shoes when I felt like crap? What was even the point of it?

I’ve barely been out of bed or even SHOWERED in the past month. Instead, I’ve been scrolling mindlessly through my phone playing games and reading several fanfictions that I’ve become engrossed with. Especially Miraculous Ladybug but anyone who has read the blog before or just knows me, knows that I seriously love that fandom. I’m total Miraculous trash and have no shame with it. 

But there was no denying how hard this month has been. I’m so glad that the year is ending and we can start over, but in the end, only the numbers are changing. Nothing will magically change for us. When January 1st hits us, we’re still the same person we were the night before. 

My mind was an enigma. There are times when even I can’t figure out what I want or meant to say. 

I barely posted on any of my social media accounts or even my beloved blog. I felt myself slipping into an even darker abyss than I had been at previously and wasn’t sure how to stop it. I questioned every choice I had ever made, starting when I had first moved out of my first apartment to follow a guy that I believed was my person.

In hindsight, that was stupid…

Being Worthless: Inside One Nerds Head

 

But was it right? Was I still worthless? 

The thing about depression and anxiety is… I NEEDED CHANGENOT SYMPATHY.  I loved it though, lapped it all up. But it’s not what I needed to get out of the depressed, worthless feeling funk.

 I was unhappy before I was depressed. I was depressed because I felt stuck and didn’t know how to fix the things that I was unhappy with, the choices I had made. I felt hopeless because I had no clue what to do about it. I was too young to know that I had options. That I could change things. That I could follow a different path.
 
And that is what I needed to learn. To accept the change that I had chosen.
 
So yeah, I moved across country where I barely knew anyone and didn’t have solid employment. And yeah I have had my heart broken on so many levels but I’m learning to let go.
 

Letting go isn’t a one-time thing. You have to do it every day and some days are worse than others. You’ll FEEL worse than before, and even feel worthless. 

 

Being Worthless: Inside One Nerds Head

 
My heart still hurts over all that I have lost but I needed the change, and a kick in the rear, to remember what I have GAINED.  I’m not the same girl who stood outside her ex’s house when he ended things, sobbing her heart out and begging him not to do it. Screaming out “NO” to him and he walked away and never looked back. I’m not the girl who used razors and bottlecaps to feel anything other than mind-numbing pain. I’m not the girl who felt worthless and unloved…
 
Yes, I have depression and anxiety. I deal with agoraphobia and Chronic Fatigue more than I ever wished too. But I’m still HERE. I’m still fighting every day. I might have waited to finish this post until I was feeling a little more human(and had showered), but I won’t forget the dark emotions that come with being the way I am. 

 
There’s nothing wrong with admitting that we’re hurting or that we need help. We’re all so much stronger than we realize and even though being heartbroken and depressed is worse than crap on toast…we’re still here.
 
Today might suck, but tomorrow can be better. We can live for tomorrow(okay, that is cheesy. Obviously I need food or something). If any of ya’ll are looking for someone who can help with anxiety, feel free to message me anytime. I love making new friends! I also love this 21-day Mind Detox that I found(picture below). It’s PERFECT for us introverts who deal with both depression and anxiety. I have a post in the works for a full review of it but that’s next month! 
 
 
Being Worthless: Inside One Nerds Head
 

As always, my lovely dear readers…Keep Smiling. 

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2 thoughts on “Being Worthless: Inside One Nerd’s Head

  1. I love reading your blog because we are going through alot of the same stuff and we have some of the same health problems. The only difference is, my doctor took me off my meds for my anxiety and depression, but i still take my migraine meds. I still have cfs and ptsd tho. Thanks for your blog. Love you.

    1. We’re on a trial for some of my meds right now. I’m in my second month of Adderall and it doesn’t really give me energy, but it does help me focus to get stuff done. Zoloft helps my sciatica but not so much my mood. It mellows me out but nothing is a cure-all, I think. Love ya too girlie!! Keep smiling, okay? Ptsd sucks and it’s hard when your illnesses are invisible, but we can do this! 🙂

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