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Today was a good day.
How many of us have been personally victimized by Anxiety?(Insert pun for Mean Girls here. The limit for how awesome this movie is doesn’t exist)
Not every day is good, or even worse. Some days I am just existing. I couldn’t tell you what I did that day since I would be unsure myself. But today, this one moment…I had a good day.
Mental Illness already sucks. We all know that. Dealing with Agoraphobia means I start to worry and stress and just generally freak out over leaving my house. It’s no fun to feel paranoid and KNOW that you have no reason too other than the stupid chemicals in your brain.
I have no idea how I’ll be feeling on any particular day. Some days I’ll be like Wonder Woman and have everything done, work a 10-hour shift for work and still find time to shower, clean and even read a few books. Most days, however, I’m fighting to stay focused and crawl out of bed. I’m not sleepy but I am tired. My body is aching at even the thought of moving. I dread having to do any mundane task or having to work.
Those days are the worst. But today was actually good. I was surprised at how calm and even NORMAL I felt while getting ready for a doctors appointment. I went outside and drove there, singing(loudly) to the radio. One hour later, I was still calm while driving back and arriving home.
But then it changed. My good day wasn’t good anymore.
I was hit with an overwhelming knowledge that I had felt calm and happy. How had that happened? Did I deserve that? How could I make it stay? So many emotions were running through my mind and I felt sick.
I set up an appointment with a counselor(a nice way to say therapist) and part of our conversation stuck with me. I noticed my thought process but then I was tiring to push it away. She told me that I actually needed anxiety in my daily life. As soon as I was without it was when it would get worse. Or, in reality, when I noticed it missing. Instead of trying to get rid of the anxiety, I needed to accept it.
Well, I knew I had anxiety but then we took it a step further. Instead of thinking I was anxious, I needed to think of how I felt physically. For me, I always feel nauseated and I had no idea that the feeling was actually just my anxiety. It was an eye-opener for me and it really helped with feeling better.
Instead of saying ” Oh I went to Wal-mart or out with a friend, but I had anxiety during it.” I needed to start saying and thinking, “Oh I made it to the store today or I had lunch with a friend!”
Without even realizing it, I was giving my anxiety so much power. I talk about depression and anxiety so much, and all the ways that I cope with it…I didn’t even realize what I was doing! It was such a great session and I can say that the day was actually really good. I treated myself to some cute shirts at a Department store near me and even work was easy. I wanted every day to be like this…
But the little voice in my head kept saying that every day wasn’t going to be like this.
In all honesty, having anxiety IS my normal. Without it, I’m not sure how to function. My coping techniques needed to change to accept it and not just try to get rid of it.
I know I’m not the only who thinks like that. There was a video called The Struggle Switch that explained it exactly. I was getting anxiety over having anxiety. Then I would I feel guilty, then angry and then sadness. It was a vicious cycle.
Was My Good Enough? Was I Enough?
Here’s the thing: having depression sucks. Having Anxiety sucks. Having both together at the same freaking time is pure misery. In a constant contradiction in our emotions and our thoughts. How any of us go out in public and be normal human beings of society is beyond me. But we handle it. As a female introvert, I put on my winged eyeliner, my hoodie and my converse….then I go handle the day. Back at home, I curl up in a ball and let the anxiety take over me at how socially awkward and weird I am.
But that’s okay. I am enough for me. It doesn’t matter if the clerk laughed or someone ignored me. It could have been a mistake, and most of all they have probably already forgotten it. I’m the only one who would remember it and it’s easier to just remember how awesome I already am. From now on, I am accepting my weirdness. My ANXIETY! I love puns, sushi and anything nerdy. I can talk anime and fanfiction with you ALL DAY.
So yes…today WAS a good day…for me.
How do you react and cope with anxiety? Let me know in the comments below and as always, keep smiling!
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