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Soulmates. We’ve all heard that we each have one soulmate. Just one person and no one else. Being Soulmates, or having just one…can sometimes bring tons of anxiety to a person if they start questioning their relationship or lack of. Love and relationships bring out more anxiety than they should. And with someone like me, and possibly others, it can make us feel broken.
This post will be a little more real than any other that I have written so far. I’ve had this on my mind for over a week now but couldn’t bring myself to actually write it. I was afraid of the reactions that would follow for being so personal and real with people who might know me in the real world or just as an online presence.
The truth is…I’m…not that smart. The person you could see me as while reading these articles is more than likely a completely different person than the one you would meet in real life(or have already met).
I wasn’t really sure how to put that in the nicest way possible. Ever since I can remember, I have struggled with memory. If someone says a sentence or two, I will have already forgotten the first part of the sentence and most likely the second if I was trying harder to remember the first part of it. I struggled in school with remembering dates and events. I hated taking tests and I would study for hours to try to pass whatever test or quiz they gave me, but as soon as it was over…all the information would go out of my head.
It caused some funny moments in school and with my family. I would just laugh and try to play it off that of course, I missed such an OBVIOUS answer because I was distracted or zoned out. Geography for an example…I thought we lived in South America since we lived in South Carolina(at the time). I was ELEVEN. And I never could remember states, continents, countries, and cities. I always mixed them up.
But it hurt. I wanted so badly to just remember what I was reading or trying to learn. But I can promise this…I am MUCH better online than in person.
Online has spell check…so I’m good there.
My words can’t come out wrong or jumbled up like they sometimes do when I’m nervous. Anxiety has a huge part to play in it but the foundation for memory problems was already there.
Okay, now that I’ve got that out of the way…I wanted to bring the topic back to what I was originally planning…Soulmates. I mentioned everything above because it relates to my own experience with finding my own Soulmate. And I will go ahead and spoil the ending for you…nobody has just one soulmate. But you should know why, and HOW, you can find yours.
Despite my memory problems, I have always loved reading. I loved re-reading my favorite books over and over again. I would be proud of remembering a scene or sentence. Reading was my escape, then and even now. I loved romance novels and ate those up as much as I could. I wanted that feeling of heart pounding, crazy, can’t eat or sleep type of love. The feeling of going to the end of the Earths and to Heaven and Hell to be with just one person.
When I was 16, I found them. Our eyes met across a room and we both nervously smiled. Butterflies erupted in my stomach and we were both lost in our own little worlds…made of each other. We were active in our Church’s social activities and had gone to a New Year Eve dance together. He danced with me the entire time. I admitted I was afraid of falling for him, and he just smiled in a crooked way and promised to catch me if I did.
Within two weeks, we were official…in secret. That should have been my first red flag, but I was head over heels in love with this guy. He promised me the world and I fell hook, line, and sinker for it. I couldn’t stop myself from falling. We made plans for marriage and our kid’s names. We were texting constantly, and I was in love for the first time.
I was convinced I had found my Soulmate.
This was the guy I was going to marry and build a family with. I only wanted him. There was a constant need, and ACHE to be near him. If there was an event that the smallest chance he would be there…I would go.
Soulmates stick together, right?
I thought that love was that butterfly and crazy feeling. If he was my Soulmate, then it was okay that I was hurting over our secret relationship. Because it was only for a little while and every relationship had to go through hard times, right?
But then everything changed once I moved. We were in a long-distance relationship which was his reason for us being a secret. Our friends knew(well, mine did. At that point, I don’t know if his friends did) and I moved less than 5 minutes from him. I was convinced it was for love. This was what was going to make me happy and finally get me to my happily ever after.
I was closer, but he was more distant. I couldn’t understand why. Less and fewer meetings and texts. He was never at any social event. I would try to ask him, but he was good at distracting me and changing the topic. Finally…he admitted that he wanted to end things. I wasn’t his equal and the one he was to marry needed to be.
To say I broke would be an understatement. I lost so much of who I was for this guy. After four years of dating and promises…it was over. Much of that time included an empty and hallow emotion. I felt worthless and unlovable. Within two weeks of our break-up, he was dating several different girls and my heart broke again each time. I kept trying to move on, but he was messaging me, or even just smiling.
With each new smile, I was a goner all over again. I couldn’t let go. His face was everywhere I went. I couldn’t hide it.
He was what I thought a Soulmate was. My first love and honestly, I’m glad for the experience now. I now can see the red flags in our relationship and laugh at how crazy I was for believing him in that I was his one and only. I hope his life is happy, but I know it won’t include me(and I’m happy with that).
But now I want to share what Soulmates actually are.
It’s not just the butterflies or an ache to be near a loved one. Think about the friends you have in your life. You probably have friends you can fangirl with, friends you can cry with and friends you can go to the movies with. We all have people in our lives that help make us who we are and need for different things.
It’s OKAY if one person isn’t everything you need.
The Soulmates I have in my life are some of my closest friends. I’m totally going to call them out on this because you know, I don’t even know if they read my blog. My best girlfriend, Genevieve, is someone I can fangirl with over anime and books. It’s rare for me to have a friend like that outside of the computer, so her friendship means the world to me.
My best guy friend is Andrew and I have to tell ya’ll that he’s the coolest thing since sliced bread. He’s someone that I’m able to open up too and relax around. Never judging, just always there. For my birthday, when everyone forgot…he brought me a lava cake from Domino’s with a candle and we saw the Batman versus Superman movie.
I don’t know if I ever could explain how much he means to me. He was one of the few people in my life that I actually let in and has proven that they don’t leave. He decided to stick around and be friends with one socially awkward nerdy girl, and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. I trust him completely and I never do that easily.
There will always be more than one Soulmate in your life. Heck, there could be dozens of Soulmates in your life. Each person, good and bad, carves their way into our lives making us come out stronger and better before.
We’re broken but that’s how the light shines through.
As always, keep smiling.