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I don’t believe there is a single person in the world today that hasn’t felt worthless at one point in their life. We’re taught from an early age to do better, BE better. And in some cases, we fall short. There is ALWAYS someone is better than us. Just like we’re better than someone else as well.
Depression makes it harder to not feel worthless. It builds up on our insecurities and then plays on it. We’re walking up a slippery ice slope, only to slip and fall all the way back down to the bottom. Recently, I had an intense conversation with someone I knew well about depression. I told them how I had kept fighting it but even now, there are still triggers that are harder to defeat. Their response was that I needed to just get over it and that I had nothing to be depressed about.
Technically speaking, they were correct. I have a great life. Good friends and family, my furbaby Koda. I have my job that pays wells and my husband that makes me laugh daily. My answer that was even though I have come a long way, I still had my darker days. Depression isn’t something you beat once and it’s done. There will be moments that it will try to creep up and attack you. The conversation kept going in circles and the idea for this blog post was born.
One of the biggest emotions that depression and anxiety had brought me was feeling worthless. I didn’t feel like I was good enough to even TRY to beat depression. There wasn’t anyone that I could talk too(or so I believed). I know that there are so many others who have this thought process as well. So, for the depressed ones…this letter is for you. There may be some triggers in the letter so word of caution for anyone reading.
Dear Kind Soul,
You thought about self-harm again today, didn’t you? You tell yourself that it’s just a reason to feel something other than your emotion. That the physical pain feels better than what’s going on in your head. You almost wish that someone would come through the door to stop you, but you know that they won’t. You’ve done it for years and no one has ever noticed. Your family tells you to just get over it. There’s no arguing with them. You never win.
I wish I could tell you how important you are. How that the smile you gave me the other day helped more than you know. Your smile is so beautiful. I wanted to say more than hello to you but I’m not really able to talk you know. You see, I’m you. Well…you five years from now. Weird, huh? Wait until you see the blankets with sleeves. Now that’s weird.
I’m not really sure how to make you believe that I am who I say I am. If it makes it easier, just pretend I’m a friend. At least that part is true. I am your friend. You might not know it, but you’re going to fall in love with yourself one day. The feelings of insecurities and depression are going to disappear. Sure there will be days that are harder, but that’s only because you stayed awake all night, talking to your friends, so the lack of sleep is exhausting. Seriously, we need to be better about our sleep schedule.
We finished our first year in college you know. Majored in graphic design and we now work for a super awesome company that allows us to move away from all the negative and toxic relationships that surrounded us. The amount of times we changed our major before choosing one is crazy.
Moving was scary but it allowed us to finally meet our tribe. The crazy goofballs are weird and sarcastic and just like us. They all felt insecure and worthless when they came here and now we play Divinity until 4am and order pizzas while talking non-stop. It’s a no judgment zone. When the depression hit, they sat up all night with us. We just sat there. Maybe it wasn’t much, but it helped to know that we weren’t alone.
We have so many other places to go. Going to see the world, you and I. The person we were five years ago is different than who we are now and that’s okay. We’re learning and growing. We finally paid our first year of taxes and bought a nice couch for the living room instead of that one we found in the dumpster.
Put down the knife. You are so much more important than the depression. You are kind and generous. That small town couldn’t handle someone who was different than them. But we’re in a better place now. Keeping fighting for me, okay? I’ll see you in five years.
Okay ya’ll, I’ll admit that I was tearing up when I was typing this. So many memories from the dark years came back and it makes me more determined than ever to help everyone I can to cope with depression and kick it in the face. Not a single person is worthless. Repeating that…YOU…ARE…NOT…WORTHLESS.
Keep fighting my dear readers. I would love to hear from you. Let me know how your day is going even.
And as always, keep smiling.