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Being an introvert can tend to get you a bad rap. Throwing depression and other mental illnesses on top of that can make our lives a whole lot harder. As an Introvert, we physically and mentally get exhausted just by being in the same room with another person. Usually, after just half an hour of being around someone, I have to go to another room and just sit in the silence. I won’t really be doing anything, I’ll just be recharging and calming down.
People make me nervous. Anyone who has read my blog before knows this. I went to a doctor two years ago for a weird pain in my leg and hip that I had already had for a few years. He diagnosed it as sciatica and we’ve been treating it with physical therapy and shots every few months. It actually helps a lot as long as I don’t start running track again. But during that doctor visit, he also stated that I was stressed and had anxiety. Well, I was stressed. The constant pain in my body was making me stressed.
Either way, he prescribed me medicine that was supposed to help. And then another med. And then ANOTHER. I told them I felt like a guinea pig with all the meds they were trying out for me, but each one was just making it worse. I started becoming paranoid and actually started feeling depressed and it wasn’t going away. Usually, going for a walk or watching my favorite movie would help, but not this time.
At the time, I was at Wally World, working as a cashier. In my super small town, you either worked there or McDonald’s. It was a small town, and I had to help support my family. I had a scary situation with a stalker there and it sent my paranoid self over the edge. I came home and couldn’t stop bawling my eyes out. In hindsight, it wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t already been so paranoid. They were just a scammer, trying to get people’s identities, but it was scary when they followed me after every shift.
In my heart, I KNEW I wouldn’t get hurt, but my head kept saying otherwise. I wouldn’t and couldn’t let anyone get physically close to me. I started being afraid to even leave our bedroom since I felt like eyes were on me all the time. So many time, I tried to speak up about it, but it was hard when nobody else could understand. They didn’t relate to it. I felt like I was going crazy.
Going back to the doctor, he diagnosed it as Agoraphobia which is a fear of leaving your home. Great…here I was a newlywed 25 year old…and I couldn’t leave my house? The panic attacks and the anxiety attacks only got worse. People would want to hang out and I would decline. I was already introverted, did I have to be scared too?
The lack of leaving my room only made things worse. I had a fear of sleeping, so I would force myself to stay awake until 4 or 5am in the morning and sleep as little as possible. The constant night terrors, a side-effect of the medication as well, were making me afraid of ever closing my eyes.
There was a fear of talking to anyone, even friends, and family. The side effects were all downhill, but when I tried to get off of them, I was even worse. I was curled in a ball, bawling my eyes out again when I had missed HALF a dose.
I wish I could tell you that there’s a happy ending, but in all honesty, I’m still working on it. I’m still searching for ways to beat this crazy Agoraphobia that meds I didn’t need and didn’t want, brought to me. This is one of the reasons I decided to become a Life Coach. I wanted to help people who have been where I was before and needed a guide to help them through it. I’m so much better than I used to be and would have loved a helping hand along the way. The course for it, Mental Health Survival Kit is still open for anyone who needs a friend or someone to talk to. Of course, from one introvert to another, if you just want to talk, I’m always here.
As always, keep smiling.