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“Grief Comes In Waves…And Tonight I’m Drowning.”
Some of my followers might have noticed that I’ve been MIA for the last week. I apologize for not returning messages that were sent or updating social media. A few days ago, I woke up to a couple of messages that there was a family emergency.
Instantly, my heart dropped. My first thought was that it was my Little Granny since she has been sick for awhile. But I wasn’t prepared when I heard the news…my grandfather, my Papa…was gone. He had passed away. My first reaction was to burst into tears but I tried not too while I stayed on the phone with my family and my husband held me while I silently sobbed.
The reactions were surprising. I hated that I was across the country and I was angry that I couldn’t be there in person. I felt awful that I couldn’t say more than “I’m sorry” as an answer. I wanted to bring comfort and be there for my family.
Words cannot describe the sea of emotions that have been running through me this past week. On one hand, I’ve gone numb. I’m on auto-pilot and going through the motions that are expected of me. But on the other hand, I’m curled up in a ball, sobbing my heart out.
Mundane tasks seem even more so and I can barely bring myself to care for them or to express myself in a way that doesn’t seem hallow. Food shopping? Christmas Shopping? I can barely get out of bed, much less be productive. I’m supposed to have a surgery for my wisdom teeth and my heart is not in it. Not that I was too excited about it before, but not being in pain would be nice. But it feels wrong somehow.
“To my family: my biggest regret is I didn’t say “I love you” enough.”
My heart hurts for my Mom and her brothers, for losing their Dad. For my Grandma, for losing her Life Partner. Papa meant so much to all of us. He loved with his whole heart. My biggest regret is I didn’t say “I love you” enough. I remember one day when I was with him, we ate a whole pack of Nilla Wafers and I got a huge stomachache but we were both laughing and I want more of those moments. I wish I knew the right words to say, but I don’t. I’m a clumsy, awkward nerd on a good day and on days like this…well, you know.
To my dear readers and followers, the blog will still be up but I will be posting less unless it’s already scheduled. The Holiday season is even more daunting than it was before and I’ll be spending most of the time either working or healing(both physically and emotionally).
To my family, I love you. I wish I was there in person so badly. I think about the words Nanny said: “He’s okay.” and I thought of how she was right. Papa is okay. He’s not hurting and he’s probably fishing on a boat and not in any pain. While he’s left us here, there are pieces of him everywhere. He’s in his children…in our mannerisms and our hearts. We can all lead by his example and love a little more.
Until next time dear readers. As always, keep smiling.