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Am I Asexual? And Other Things I Question After My Marriage Ended
I’m asexual. Just going ahead and throwing that out there.
By definition, it’s someone without sexual feelings or associations. At least according to the dictionary.
It’s different for everyone but for me personally, I’m just not into having a physical relationship. Yes, I can think someone is “cute” or drool-worthy” but I rarely feel a desire to BE physically close to a person. I like hand holding, cuddling, and hugs…but that’s about it. Anything else makes me physically sick.
Despite knowing this, I still married and fought to find that “normalcy” that I had heard of. My husband was extremely physically needed and I was…not. It got to the point that I couldn’t do my “wifely duties“. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to him. I trusted him with my life. But I couldn’t be physical with him. It caused a major rift in our relationship.
Anytime he tried to make advances, I felt numb. I didn’t and couldn’t feel anything. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t be like everyone else I knew. He was saddened and upset with my rejections. I knew he needed more in a physical way, and that wasn’t something I could do.
Every marriage takes work. In the end though, after trying to fight it for years, we decided to become separated. He said it best when he told me that we were better as friends than lovers.
In today’s society, there’s a name for everything. Whatever you identify as…there will ALWAYS be someone who disagrees and tells you that you’re wrong. Nothing is black and white, there are so many grey areas. Nobody is just one thing. We’re all different sides that can’t help but make a whole.
Ironically, I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I could meet eyes with someone across a room and immediately fall “in love“. As a kid, I had this grand idea of what love was. I love sweet gestures such as showing up with wildflowers, sweet letters and laughing uncontrollably over tiny little things. I’m obsessed with Disney movies and love…love.
But I’m still asexual.
When I see a beautiful face passing me on the sidewalk, I usually smile and feel the warmth on my face, but it’s the same as when I encounter a cute little puppy as well. I get happy and excited when I see anything cute like puppies, or heck even if I see FOOD. I’m always doing a little happy dance when I have food in front of me.
I felt LESS of a person because of my being asexual and I HATED it. There were so many times that I questioned whether I was enough. I asked him several times with tears streaming down my face, why I couldn’t be enough for him. Because I wanted to be. But it came down to not loving myself enough. He’s still my friend, just no longer my husband. I HIGHLY recommend the book for ANYONE going through a struggle.
No matter what you identify as… you are still a person. You ARE enough. The only thing that matters is that you are kind. Kindness is more important than anything.
As always, keep smiling!
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